Lovers Lane Ends Beer
During my coma, all my exes came to visit me. Each declared their undying love and fidelity to me. And why wouldn’t they? I’m great.
One though grabbed me by the groin and didn’t let go. His shaggy blond hair was the same as it was in high school. His body built so he could be the perfect quarterback. Those pouty lips cried out to be kissed. We used to sneak away from class and kiss, behind everyone’s back.
Of course, he knew his way around my tight end. And I knew how to get him to do his touchdown dance without ever stepping foot on the field. After we graduated, we went our separate ways. Never to see each other again.
He got married, had a couple of kids. I went to New York and got a couple indecent exposure tickets, you know the same life!
As my eyes fluttered open, I expected my family and friends to be surrounding me. Instead, a weird dude was floating above me. “Who the fuck are you?” I asked.
“Classy. I’m Eros, God of Love. I’m here to show you how things would have gone if you’d ended up with the one you think got away.”
“Is this some cheap A Christmas Carol ripoff?”
“You couldn’t afford that. Your Guardian Angel had to pay to keep those pics of you mooning Lady Liberty off the internet,” Eros sighed. “And Scrooge is more believable as a hero than you are.”
“I’m a believable hero. I feed the needy!”
“Putting noddles in warm vodka is not feeding them! And you mooned a National monument.”
“She flashed me first. Her dress falling off her shoulder like a hussy,” I shot back. “What was I supposed to do? Ignore those gorgeous green shoulders? I don’t think so.”
“Think about the one that you believe got away. I’m going to drop you off in another dimension and then settle a debt.”
I closed my eyes and Matt flashed across my mind. The gay and the quarterback. It was the stuff of fantasies and many LGBTQ erotic novels.
The earth shook like it does after an awesome orgasm. When it stopped, I wasn’t in the hospital anymore. I was in a living room.
Matt was in a recliner. He wore only a pair of blue and what striped boxer shorts, and a wife-beater shirt. His perfect football body had a few extra pounds added to it. The shaggy hair was cut shorter. And those pink kissable lips begged for me to kiss them.
Without thinking I went over and pressed my lips to his. Where he once had minty fresh breath, now it tasted liked stale beer and chicken wings. Or as most of us call it, like a man.
“Wanna…” Matt raised his eyebrow suggestively. The tent in his boxers told me all I needed to know. I set about giving him what he wanted.
After he finished, he leaned back in the recliner, a smile plastered on his face.
“This is why I should have married you all those years ago. Stacy hated doing that, it’s why I had to cheat on her.”
“Had to? Like she pointed a gun and your head and said go get hear from someone else?” Why was I defending his ex? Much like the Statue of Liberty, she teased and taunted me until I got into trouble. “Let’s be real. You asked, she said no and you went outside of the relationship to get it.”
“I said exactly what you said.”
“If you ever cheat on me, you’re gonna get a Lorena Bobbitt.”
“Don’t tell me no. And make sure dinner is cooked and I’ll be faithful. That’s not too much to ask.”
“I’m going to smack you. This is not how a relationship should be. It’s about respect and love and whatever else Ed Sheeran sings about.”
“It’s about obeying the man,” he spread his legs and shut his eyes. “Can you get dinner started? I’m hungry.”
The light caught a knife and I lunged for it. Before I could become the next true crime sensation, I was transported back to the hospital.
“Did we learn a lesson?”
“Yeah, grab the knife faster.”
“That was not the lesson. You were supposed to learn that lust is short-lived.”
“And so would he have been had you not transported me back here,” I rolled my eyes. “Send me back, so I can finish him off.”
“I’m gonna cut some time out of this process. I’m just going to show you the man you belong with,” Eros pointed towards the door. “And please don’t kill him. You only get one soulmate. And your guardian angel already got enough of my money…”
The door opened and in walked the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on. He started dancing in a goofy way, his eyes never left mine.
“Do you think you’re owed blow jobs or dinner?”
“No. I wouldn’t turn either down though,” he walked over to me and kissed my lips. “Let’s go egg the Statue of Liberty. That bitch has it coming.”
We did indeed live happily ever after.
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