Thankful One Day
Humans are weird creatures. Turkey, football, and thankfulness in one day.
Every year on the fourth Thursday of November, humans celebrate Thankful day. Excuse me, the call it Thanksgiving. Somehow they think that thanks can give. Of course, most of them would prefer to skip over this holiday altogether. Their real focus is on Christmas and Santa coming to town. Don’t they know the truth about Santa?
As the big day approaches, they rush out to the grocery stores to make sure they have everything they need. They must not have heard about Shipt, we use it and they deliver our groceries in under 30 minutes, impressive since I live in Outerspace. They stress and fret about the right temperature for a turkey, and what if they screw it up. Maybe if they worried about their cooking more than one day a year, messing up wouldn’t be such a concern. And they needn’t worry about McDonald’s, those burgers will eat themselves.
The celebrities will dress up as turkeys on TV. As opposed to any other day, when they just act like a turkey on TV. Ellen is the most nefarious offender, with her waddle hanging there, begging to be cooked. And her costume is awful too. How are they not afraid that Earthlings will mistake them for real turkeys and try to cook them up. I would be seriously afraid that some human was going to burn me to a crisp.
On the big day, the male folk swarm around the television and watch football. While the women sit in the kitchen and gossip about those who aren’t there. That is until that person shows up and introduces new gossip of her own. There is no co-mingling for the genders, not during this portion of the day. Maybe they are afraid they would reproduce and be too tired for the feast that awaits them. Or maybe men and women really don’t like one another. That’s what all the human sitcoms in the 90s suggested.
Finally, everyone gathers around the table. The manliest man is asked to carve the turkey. Or maybe just the one who knows his way around the blade…. or owns the house. In any case, after the ceremonious first cut, the lady of the house requests that everyone share what they are thankful for. Its a tradition steeped in stupidity and banality. These people go to war with other countries (or planets!) over a small infraction. They throw chairs at one another on national television. But three seconds of being grateful is supposed to make up for that? Maybe this is why Mother Earth is trying to get rid of them.
And the things they are thankful for always are eye-roll inducing. If anyone thinks that a 16-year-old is actually thankful for their parents, I have a bridge on Pluto to sell you. And spouses are always thankful for one another. Even as one or both are texting their side pieces that they might be a little late for their holiday rendezvous.
If humans were thankful more than one day a year, it might help improve their lives. It would certainly help them discover better technology and set them on a path to catching up with us. But maybe they aren’t ready to2 be truly thankful for anything yet. After all, Santa Claus is coming to town.